


A lot can change in a day

by LM84



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Athlete Castiel (Supernatural), Castiel (Supernatural) Whump, Castiel and Dean Winchester Being Idiots, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Depressed Castiel (Supernatural), Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Engaged Castiel/Dean Winchester, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injured Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Misunderstandings, Series, Serious Injuries, Suicidal Thoughts, Worried Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-05-15 07:23:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19290979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LM84/pseuds/LM84
Summary: After 2 weeks of living blissfully since getting engaged, injured former marathon runner Castiel and his fiancée Dean couldn't be happier. Or at least that's what Cas thought.All it takes is an argument for their world to come crashing down. From happy to desperate in a single day, can Dean fix what has shattered in time to save their relationship and his husband to be?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heed the warnings. Nothing is described too graphically or really at all in this fic, its more implied, so watch your step but otherwise settle in for a crap ton of angst.  
> If there is enough interest I will probably make a prequel to this to explore the backstory briefly described.

It had been two weeks since Dean had proposed to him. Two weeks since he’d got in the Impala with his boyfriend and asked where they were going, to be told that it was a surprise. And it had been quite a surprise.

Dean had driven him to a small house for sale and told him that he’d bought it. It was beautiful, perfect, Cas couldn’t quite believe it. It took Dean 20 minutes to convince him it wasn’t a dream and then he’d got down on one knee and everything in Cas’ life had fallen into place.

Now he was sat, staring out if the window at the Park across the street.

“What are you thinking about?” Dean smiled as he slipped a hand across Cas’ shoulders.

Cas sighed a little. “I was thinking what a beautiful place it would have been, to run in the park over there.”

“Oh Cas, you can’t keep doing that to yourself.” Dean said sadly.

It had been two years since the accident. The accident that destroyed his old life and simultaneously created a new one, a better one.

Cas had grown up friends with the Winchesters, they were an unlikely group. The Winchesters were popular and well liked, Cas withdrawn and awkward. His family were deeply Christian, Catholic more specifically which made them deeply homophobic. They had known of Cas’… disposition since he was 13 and they had practically placed him on house arrest because of it. No Son of theirs would have relations with men.

“It doesn’t make me sad anymore.” Cas admitted. “I mean I miss it, of course I do, but I can look out the window and imagine running in the park and its just a way of keeping it with me.”

His life back then had been miserable, the only thing he looked forward to was seeing his friends at school. Dean, Sam, Charlie and Kevin had made his life bearable without even knowing it. The only freedom his parents allowed him was in his running, so he spent every spare minute training. By the time he, Sam and Kevin reached college Castiel was a scholarship athlete with a very real shot at the Olympics. Marathon had become his specialism. Dean was a mechanic, staying behind as the rest of them went to Stanford.

But the car crash had changed all that.

“I’m sorry Cas, you know if I could go back and change it I would.”

“I wouldn’t want you to.” Cas sighed.

“Huh?” Dean asked. “Why not?”

“Why do you think I’d want to go back to how things were?” Cas looked into those emerald eyes solemnly. “My life before the accident wasn’t a life. You saved me Dean.”

His parents had seen their Son’s talent as a way of redeeming their family in God’s eyes from the shame of their son’s sexuality. They had taken control of everything, made him train every day, sleep early, never go out and controlled his meals to the point where he was starving. If he had a bad race, they would refuse him that day’s meals. Of course that only made things worse.

And Cas just let it happen. They told him it was for the best. And he believed them, he knew what he was, was wrong and shameful, so much so that he hadn’t told another living soul. Not his friends, nor his brothers. Michael, Raphael and Lucifer certainly would not understand, but he had been close to Balthazar and Gabriel, he was tempted to tell them, but never did. They were all much older than him and had left home long ago, so Castiel was alone in his misery.

His parents had ingrained the importance of him succeeding in his sport so much so that when he went to college he continued. He barely ate, trained harder than he ever had. He failed more often due to his impossible tiredness, and this meant more days when he did not eat. To Sam, Charlie and Kevin, the change in his weight had been too gradual to notice. But when he had gone to Charlie’s for dinner and Dean had seen him from the first time in months, he’d practically dragged Cas out of the room and confronted him then and there. Dean knew the difference between lean and anorexic and Cas looked ill.

Cas had broken down, then surrounded by his friends he had told them everything, from his family to the fact he was gay. Cas would have loved to have said that it had made everything better, but it hadn’t. His friends had been amazing, but eyes had been on him all the time making sure he ate, making sure he slept and took days off training. He’d felt just as trapped as he’d always had, that was when Dean wasn’t visiting him.

Dean was different. He drove over every weekend to look after his best friend, but it didn’t feel like that. He took him out to eat, or cooked, but didn’t hover over him checking he ate everything and never said a word if he didn’t finish the plate. There was no pressure, it was easy and he felt safe.

He soon started running better than ever and with 2 weeks to go till the Olympic selection he could see his dream coming into place. And then the car hit him on a training run, going 20 over the speed limit. It was a miracle he had survived.

“Cas…” Dean protested. “You are in pain every day, you can’t say you don’t wish it would go away.”

Cas had sustained fractures to his T2 and L13, 4 and 5 vertebrae. It was a miracle he could walk. The doctors said his recovery was thanks to how fit he was before the accident, it had saved his life, but he would never run again. The loss of functionality in his hips and legs made it difficult to walk, he could manage short distances and even years later he was still improving. Getting a little further each trip, but 2 years later and his back ached all the time, and apparently it always would. What annoyed Dean most was Cas’ refusal to take the painkillers the doctor had prescribed, but Cas didn’t see the point. If this was going to be the rest of his life he might as well get used to it.

“Honestly Dean, there is not point wishing or dwelling on what happened. It happened. I can’t change it, you can’t change it. I’m happy now, I’m happy with you isn’t that enough?”

“How can it be enough Cas… You had everything and now?”

Cas’ eyebrows raised in alarm. “And now what?” He said challengingly. “Dean if this is because you think you are not worth it…”

“You keep saying that, you keep saying I’m the best thing that happened to you but how am I supposed to believe that when you won’t even let me touch you?”

Cas sighed. His fiancé was as almost as troubled and self-loathing as he had been when they’d first met. Dean had helped Cas move away from most of his own self-worth issues, but not for lack of trying Cas had been unsuccessful in helping Dean to move past his. “Dean we’ve been through this, it’s not because I don’t love you…” Cas knew he had to be patient with Dean and his insecurities, but today was not a good day for him. The pain was worse than normal and it was grating on his nerves.

“Yes, I know. You’re waiting for us to get married like a good little Christian.” Dean practically spat and Cas felt his own heckles raise in anger.

“It’s my faith Dean!” He growled back.

“How can you still have faith after everything that happened to you?” Dean scoffed.

“That’s not how it works Dean!”

“You’re still letting your parents brainwash you with that shit.”

“It’s not shit Dean, it’s my religion. And I’m not a sheep, I don’t believe because my parents told me too.”

“It makes no sense Cas; how can you believe in all that crap when you’re as bent as a slinky! How can you believe in something that hates people like us?”

“Not all Christians condemn what we are Dean and I know you don’t share my beliefs…”

“It’s pathetic Cass.”

“Pathetic?” Cass huffed. “So, I should just renounce God and let you fuck me already? Are you sure it’s me who doesn’t truly love you?”

That accusation hurt Dean more than anything had hurt him before. “You know that’s not what I’m saying!” Dean roared. “How can you even suggest that of me?”

“How can _you_ suggest that of me!” Cas yelled back, unseen tears brimming in his eyes, is that what Dean really thought?

“You’re a cripple Cas! You still struggle on the stairs! You used to run marathons and now I have to carry you around when you get tired.”

Cas’ shoulders shrunk a little and all the anger bled out of his tone. “I’m getting better. I don’t mean to be a burden.” He spoke quietly, his voice broken, and he doubted Dean had even heard him.

“You were amazing Cas and now you are broken! You can’t expect me to believe that this is worth all of that.”

“I _was_ amazing?” Cas asked sadly as he looked at Dean’s angry face. He nodded slowly in realisation. “Your right, I’m not anymore.” And for the first time in his anger and self-loathing did Dean open his eyes and really look at Cas. Then he saw the hurt in his fiancées ocean blue eyes.

Dean did a double take. “Oh God Cas…”

“No Dean I understand.” Cas turned swiftly, already having his hand on the door handle before Dean could react.

“No, Cas… Where are you going?”

Cas didn’t answer, he just marched painfully out of the door, not even remembering to pick up his coat.

“Cas wait!” Dean pleaded, but the door slammed shut.

……………………


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short update this chapter, but leaving this up with only one chapter doesn't feel right, so here's a little more.

Cas hadn’t thought this through. He had barely walked for 5 minutes before he felt the pain in his back flaring up and the weakness spreading through his legs. But he wasn’t going to call Dean for help. He wasn’t going to call anyone. He was angry with himself and crushed in a way he had never felt before. He thought Dean hadn’t minded his injuries, hadn’t minded helping him when he was having a bad day, but obviously he’d been wrong. Of course Dean minded. Cas had been naïve to think he wouldn’t be a burden, and of course Dean was angry about the fact he refused to have sex until they married. He deserved a reward for his patience, because God knew that Cas didn’t have anything else to offer Dean but what was left of his crippled body. He struggled to work from his injury, Dean paid all the bills, bought the house, Cas had contributed nothing. He hadn’t even finished college and meanwhile Sam was a lawyer, Kevin was researching for his doctorate and he was just another failed college athlete.

Dean probably didn’t even want to marry him. He’d been self-absorbed to think so. Dean had probably just proposed to make Cas happy. Dean did things like that a lot, putting others before himself. He didn’t think he mattered, no matter how hard Cas had tried to change that.

Cas had never even had a drink, but Dean always drank, he said it helped him forget. So, Cas decided that’s what he’d do. He flagged down a cab and climbed inside.

“Where you heading?” The driver asked.

“Any bars I can get to for 5 bucks.” Cas smiled weakly, riffling through his pockets and discovering he as usual had very little money in his wallet.

The driver smiled. “I know a place. You look like you need a drink.”

“You wouldn’t be wrong.” Cas sighed.

……………..

Cas had been at the bar half an hour. He felt very uncomfortable and out of place and he wasn’t wrong. It was 2pm, no time to be in a bar unless you were an alcoholic or just plain miserable and although Cas fit the latter all the others in this place were certainly the former and the glances they were giving him they weren’t friendly either. He could feel the hostility in this dark and dingy place. He wasn’t welcome here. He imagined even Dean would keep away from a dive like this. He really didn’t like it here, but he didn’t want to go home.

“Bit early in the day. Can I buy you a drink?” A smarmy English man asked as he slipped onto the stool behind him.

“No thanks.” Cas grunted.

“Come on, no strings, you just look like you’re out of money and need it.”

Cas sighed and pushed his last quarter around the bar. He _was_ out of money and he was nowhere near drunk. After the cab fare he’d barely had enough for a beer.

“Thank you.” He accepted.

“My pleasure.” He smiled and nodded at the bar man. “What are you drinking to forget?”

“Argument with my fiancée.” Cas admitted downing his drink in one. Another one replaced it so quickly he barely noticed.

“What? She cheat on you or something?”

“No, nothing like that.” Cas sighed. “He just…”

“He?”

“Is that a problem?” Cas growled.

“No quite the opposite. I was just surprised. I’m sorry do continue.”

“He just said some things… things about me that I didn’t know bothered him.”

“He made you feel small.” The man nodded in understanding.

“I suppose I just finally opened my eyes and realised that the perfect little thing we had going was all a lie.”

“Love sucks. But I know a few people in here who would happily help you take your mind off it.”

Cas looked at him with a frown and then started to feel very weird. He felt tired. So very tired all of a sudden. His head started spinning. Shit, he wasn’t supposed to have his painkillers with alcohol… had he had any today? He didn’t usually take them, but today he’d been struggling. He couldn’t remember if he’d taken any… As a matter of fact he was having a hard time remembering anything at all. His head felt fuzzy and disconnected. Something was wrong.

“No thanks. I better get back.” Cas stood up and the room span violently. Somehow, he managed to keep his feet. “Thank you for the drinks.” His voice came out slurred.

“Shame.” The man said, but Cas could barely catch the words, he felt detached from his body like he was floating. “Because they really are eager to meet you.”

“Oh shit.” Was the last thing Cas managed to breathe out before he completely lost control of his body. He felt himself grabbed by several strong pairs of hands and pulled outside into the alley. He wanted to fight, but he couldn’t, he tried to beg and plead and cry, but he couldn’t do that either.

He was helpless and all he could do was let it happen.

………………………..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One line in the comments box guys, I takes a few seconds and would make my day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's nothing graphic in this, just the aftermath for anyone who was worried. Jody has a real difficult situation on her hands.

When Cas came around he was cold and dirty and alone. Day had turned into night. Draped in the side alley, discarded like rubbish, every fibre of his being ached. But there was one place that ached more than all others, somewhere that should never hurt like that. As dribs and drabs of memory bled back into his mind he felt sick. And then he was, violently, all over the concrete.

He pulled his clothing back into place with shaking fingers, tears sliding down his cheeks. It took all his strength. He didn’t know if he could stand. He had never felt so exhausted in his life, or so ashamed. After all this time, saving himself for Dean, now he was ruined, defiled. Dean would never want him after this. No one would. He didn’t even have the strength to sob.

“Castiel?”

Cas looked up weakly to stare into a kind and worried face that was very familiar, but too blurry to make out.

“Cas look at me. Can you hear me?”

“Jody?” he croaked out. “What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here?” Jody scoffed. “I got a call of a disturbance in the bar, what the hell are you doing at O’Malley’s, this place is full of the scum of the Earth.”

“Had a fight with Dean.” He slurred out.

“An argument?”

“Yuh n’argument.” Cas slurred. “I’m too much of a burden for him. I don’t blame him for getting angry.” Maybe that explained why Cas was at a bar. She knew he didn’t drink, but everyone had their trigger and Dean could be particularly cruel sometimes when he was angry.

“Oh Cas Honey…” Jody started, but as she got closer to her friend she realised something was off. Jody frowned. Yes, Cas smelt of alcohol but looking at his eyes, the usual blue was engulfed but the black of his blown pupils and the way he could not focus on her made her stomach dropped.

“Castiel what happened?” She asked worriedly. “What did you take?”

“Nothing.” He sighed. “Well, not nothing but I didn’t, I…”

“Take a breath Castiel.” Jody told him gently, seeing the panic in his face.

“My drink.” Cas managed to force out.

Jody frowned again, face creasing in worry. Then as Cas’ had lolled back his neck exposed, she saw something that made the whole thing make sense. His neck was littered with red marks that she recognised all too well. Small bruised marked his neck, love bites, and she knew for certain that Dean hadn’t given them to him.

Slowly but surely the realisation hit. Cas had been drugged and dragged out the bar into the alley, his clothes were dishevelled, and his belt wasn’t properly done like he’d tried to put things right but hadn’t been able to. Cas had been raped.

“Oh God. Castiel… We’re getting you to the hospital now. I’m calling Dean.” She bit back the tears and scrambled for her phone.

“Please don’t Jody, please don’t.” Cas begged. “You can’t.”

“Why?”

“He’ll hate me.”

“Oh, Cas no he won’t.” Jody stroked his hair instinctively and Cas flinched away violently, his eyes wide and terrified. “I’m sorry.” She backed away. Cas was too out of it to think straight, but he needed help.

“You really need to go to hospital Cas.” She tried to make him see sense, but all that seemed to be flashing through his eyes was pain and panic.

“No. Please Jody. Please.”

Jody sighed and thought through the options. Cas needed hospital, they needed evidence to find the scum that did this… but Castiel was out of it, he was scared and confused, and she could only think of one person who would be able to get him to do anything right now and that was Dean.

“I’ll take you home.” She said firmly.

“No, not Dean. Please Jody, please. I can’t, I can’t see him, can’t look at him after…”

Jody sighed and calmly talked Cas through breathing. He needed to calm down and that wasn’t going to happen if she took him home to Dean in this state. Cas couldn’t think straight with that drug still in his system and when faced with the news that the love of his life had been… raped, Dean would be Dean, which meant over-reacting, getting angry and threatening vengeance on the perpetrators. That was the last thing Cas needed right now. That only left one option.

“Look, how about you come to mine, and I’ll take care of you, sleep it off and we’ll see how you feel later, ok?”

Cas nodded tearfully but didn’t say a word. She tried to help him to his feet, but Cas was barely able to take his own weight. His legs were shaking badly and that made her stomach drop again.

Shit… “Did they hurt your back?” She said worriedly. She of course knew of Cas’s injury and she was terrified that after all he’d been through to get back on his feet that he would be left paraplegic by this.

“I think it’s ok. I don’t know. I can’t feel anything.” Cas said weakly.

“Ok, I’ve got you.” She said as they slowly made their way to her car. She sat for a moment in the front seat. She’d been called here to the scene of a disturbance, she needed to call this in, but this was Cas… Protocol would dictate she call an ambulance to the scene, get forensics…

“Control this is Sherriff Mills.” She said picking up the radio and glancing at Cas in the back seat. He was out cold already which wasn’t a surprise, but it also wasn’t a good sign. This would be a great opportunity to drive him to the hospital regardless of his wishes, but she knew Cas and he was stubborn. If she did that they risked him denying it ever happened and not pressing charges.

“Go ahead.” The voice on the radio replied.

“On the scene of the disturbance at O’Malley’s. I have a suspected rape victim, but he’s a friend and refusing an ambulance. I’m going to take him home, see if we can’t talk some sense into him.”

“Noted Sherriff. I’ll send forensics to the scene and some officers to see what evidence we can collect.”

“Thank you. I’m clocking off.”

…………………………


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean is not supposed to be the bad guy in this chapter... It's more Cas been utterly useless at communicating and Jody certainly makes an error of judgement in this situation. Sorry guys but this is about to be pretty heart wrenching.

Jody had found Cas at 7pm, but he didn’t wake up till the early hours of the morning. Jody hadn’t slept, she couldn’t. It was almost as if she had to stand guard over the form sleeping on the sofa, to stop anything else horrible from happening to him. She gave him a few moments when he started waking up to gain his surroundings, but as she turned on the light she could see the panic and confusion in his face so moved a little closer to calm him.

“It’s ok Hun, it’s ok. It’s Jody, you’re at my house. Do you remember what happened sweetheart?”

She could almost see in his eyes the moment in which the memories came flooding back and his face filled with barely concealed emotions.

“I know sweetheart I know. How you doing Hun?”

“I’m fine Jody.” Cas sighed sadly.

“You’re not fine sweetheart, you can’t be, not after what happened.”

Cas didn’t say anything, he just looked out the window, something un-readable in his expression.

“Do you want anything to eat? Drink?”

Cas shook his head.

“Ok, then I’m going to call Dean, ok? I bet he’s worried sick, he can meet as at the hospital.”

“Please don’t Jody.”

“Cas…”

“I’ll tell him if you drop me off at home, I just...”

“Cas, the only place I’m taking you is the hospital.” Jody said gently.

“I can’t Jody, please, please don’t make me. I just want to go home, Dean has to hear it from me.”

Those damn blue eyes. You couldn’t say no them and she had to tred carefully or Cas would dig his heels in.

“Ok Cas, I’ll take you home.” Jody sighed.

Maybe Dean would have better luck getting him to come to his senses. Dean had some sort of power over Cas and visa versa that no one else could achieve. They’d do nearly anything the other said. Hopefully that would mean Dean could get him to go to the hospital, get treated and most importantly give evidence.

…………………………..

Cas sat in the back seat of Jody’s car without prompting. Its like he was trying to stay as far away from her as possible, but she knew it wasn’t personal, not after what he had just been through. He spent the whole car journey looking terrified, not saying a word and frankly breaking Jody’s heart.

He looked worse when they pulled up outside, almost like he was going to be sick with anxiety.

“I’ll come in with you.” She offered.

“It’s fine. I need to do this alone” Cas said quietly, but at this stage, she wasn’t sure he was ever going to find the courage to get out the car and go up to the front door.

“Cas he’ll understand.”

Cas nodded clearly unconvinced, finally opening the car door and stepping out into the street.

“I’ll wait out here in case you need me.” She gave him a small encouraging smiled.

“No Jody, thank you but I have to do this myself.”

Jody frowned, she really didn’t want to leave but, at this stage, she might as well go all in. “Ok call me if you need me and don’t be a stranger.”

She waited about 30 seconds after Dean pulled Cas in the door, looking incredibly worried and relieved to see his fiancé before she pulled away. Yeah. Dean would look after him.

……………………

“Cas where the hell where you? I was so worried.” Dean opened the door and immediately pulled Cas into their flat and straight into a hug. “Thank God you’re ok. I’m so, so sorry about yesterday I was such an ass… what I said wasn’t how I meant it at all.” Dean sighed, praying that Cas would forgive him. “I just really struggle to understand you sometimes baby and I don’t always understand how you can be happy with screw up like me.”

Dean breathed into his fiancés shoulder, holding him tightly as the relief poured out of him. He had stayed up all night worrying something had happened. Cas had never stayed mad with Dean for as long as he had yesterday. He’d called and called and called Cas’ cell, to no answer. He’d even texted Sam and Charlie and nearly called Jody to put out an APB or something but had decided against it. He figured Cas needed some space and now he was just over the moon to have him back in his arms.

Lost in his thoughts, he suddenly realised how tense Cas was in his arms. His love was practically shaking. He pulled away quickly, looking Cas up and down in concern. He didn’t get far in his observations though as the moment Cas saw Dean silent tears started rolling down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry Dean. I’m so sorry.” Cas burst out, covering his face with his hands.

“Cas, baby what’s wrong?” Dean frowned, tied between going to comfort Cas and staying well back.

“I’m so, so sorry. Please forgive me.” Cas begged, but he wouldn’t look Dean in the eye.

Dean’s face darkened at the last three words and he started to assess the situation. Forgive him, what on earth for? He took in Cas’ dishevelled appearance, the way his coat was torn, his hair ruffled and his voice more gravelly than usual. There were bags under his slightly blood shot eyes and the tell-tale bruise of a hickey just showing above his collar. His stomach lurched painfully. They’d had an argument and Cas had been gone all night. Cas smelt of booze and smoke and… sex; he had hickeys on his neck and had turned up early in the morning begging for forgiveness. As Dean added up the pieces his heart broke. More accurately it shattered. Cas had cheated on him. Not only that but after everything he’d gone out and given his virginity to some stranger.

Dean took a deep breath. “Cas, please tell me it isn’t what I’m thinking right now… please tell me you didn’t go out last night and… sleep with some random stranger.”

There was a beat of silence as Cas shook on the spot.

“Dean… I’m sorry, please, please forgive me.”

Dean clapped over his face in pain and disbelief. He’d never thought Cas would ever be capable of something like that… it was Cas! How could he? He could hardly believe it even though he’d just heard from the mouth of the man in question. It was just like Lisa all over again. Dean knew he was far from perfect, but was he really so bad that every person he ever loved felt the need to cheat on him?

But this was so unlike Cas, Lisa he had kind of seen it coming but Cas?

“Forgive you?” He said sternly. Cas shivered, and Dean huffed shaking his head. “Was I not good enough Cas?” He said coldly. “Was I not understanding and sympathetic and endlessly patient?”

“Dean…”

“No Cas. Don’t bother.” He tutted. “You’re disgusting.” He mumbled and walked away.

Cas just stood there staring through teary eyes at a spot on the wall. His whole world had shattered, any scrap of strength he had been holding onto left him in that moment. Because Dean was right, and Jody was wrong. Why would Dean ever have wanted him after this?

When Dean returned 5 minutes later he had a suitcase in his hand and was marching towards the door.

“Dean?” Cas asked tearfully.

“I’m going to Sammy’s. I can’t even look at you Cas. I’d kick _you_ out, but I’m not heartless. I know you have nowhere to go, so stay here until you find a place, but I don’t want to see your face again.” Dean said bitterly, but perfectly calmly.

Cas nodded his understanding, but his eyes didn’t move from the spot on the wall. It was over. He’d ruined everything, lost everything. It was all his fault and worst of all he’d hurt Dean.

“I want the ring back.” Dean demanded, and Cas nodded. He said nothing as he slipped the simple metal band from his finger and placed it in Dean’s waiting hand. Cas backed out of the room crippled with despair and when Dean slammed the front door and as the impala screeched away down the street Cas wanted to crumble to the ground. But somehow, he kept standing. After a moment staring dumbfounded his brain started to kick into gear.

This wasn’t his house. It was Dean’s. He couldn’t stay here, it was wrong to stay in a place he didn’t belong. He had nowhere to go, no phone or money… his rapists had taken the valuables. Before he knew what he was doing he was stood outside the front door, rain tumbling off the porch and running in rivers down the asphalt. Putting the key under the doormat where they always did, he took one last look at the place that would have been his home, forever.

He hadn’t bothered packing a suitcase. He wouldn’t be needing it where he was going.

So, he just kept walking as the rain started falling, as it soaked through his clothes and into his skin. And as he turned from cold, to freezing, to numb he didn’t make a move to address it. He walked until his legs gave out and his back was screaming, then settled under a tree and stared into the rain as the clouds above darkened.

………………..

“Sam are you at home?” It had taken 2 hours to make the 3-hour journey to Sam’s house. It was a damn good Job Dean hadn’t seen a cop car., though at this stage he would hardly mind spending his night in a cell. He also knew for a fact that Sam and Jess weren’t home. He was sat outside their house, which was completely dark and lifeless as thunder cracked in the air and the rain fell.

“No, we’re out why?”

“Can you come home please Sammy?”

“Me and Jess are having dinner with some friends Dean, I can’t just…”

“I broke up with Castiel.” The line was silent save the sound of chatter in the background. “He cheated on me. Can I stay with you please?”

“I’m coming Dean. I’ll be 20minutes. Please…”

“I won’t do anything stupid.” Dean promised.

…………………..

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, from one way of leaving you hanging to another... At least now things are cleared up.

Sam couldn’t believe it when Dean had told him, and he was nearly as angry and heartbroken as his brother. Cas was his best friend. He felt betrayed, angry, sick… but it didn’t matter what he felt right now because Dean needed him. He had never seen his brother so broken, not even after Lisa. Dean didn’t cry, but he had sobbed for hours last night before he’d drunk himself into oblivion and passed out on the sofa. It was nearly 2pm and he wasn’t showing much sign of waking up yet.

Jess had, had to go to work. Sam had taken the day off to stay with Dean and Jess had wanted to do the same, but he’d convinced her he’d be alright. He wasn’t sure he would though, how was he supposed to help Dean?

He was interrupted by a knock on the door. If that was Cas he’d swear to God, he was going to punch that…

“Sam.”

The younger was met by a face he wasn’t expecting, and his eyes narrowed.

“Gabriel. What are you doing here?”

“I’m wondering why I’ve not heard from my little brother and there is no one at his house. Has your brother stolen him away without my permission or something else hopelessly romantic?”

Sam sighed and looked over at Dean who was now stirring on the sofa. Sam pushed Gabriel back into the street and closed the door behind himself.

“You haven’t heard then.” He said sadly.

“Heard what?” Gabriel exclaimed, his face darkening in worry. “Where is he, where is Cassie?”

“Gabriel, Dean and Cas broke up.”

“What when?”

“Last night… well technically early this morning.”

“Why?”

“Cas cheated on him.”

“Cas would never cheat on Dean.” Gabriel scoffed. “You have met the 40-year-old virgin right?”

“Well he did Gabriel. Why would Dean lie?”

“I really don’t care Sam, what I care is that no one has seen him since and his phone is going straight to voicemail. Where would he go?”

Sam’s heart suddenly skipped. “Dean said he left him in the house, are you sure he wasn’t there?”

“I checked, the key was under the mat. No one home, beds made...”

“Have you rung Charlie?”

“No, not yet.”

“OK, don’t panic I’ll ring her, he can’t have gone far Gabriel and he’s not stupid...”

“Stupid, no. But I don’t think you get it Sam, if Cas and Dean just broke up, then Cassie… I don’t even want to think what headspace he could be in right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’m worried he’s going to do something very stupid.”

……………………

Jody looked at her phone flicking between the two numbers, Dean or Cas. She had left it this long to call but having not heard anything from Cas she thought it was about time she checked he was ok. Hopefully they were at the damn hospital getting Cas seen to, but she had to know what was going on, she still hadn’t slept and had taken the day off work, though a text from her deputy told her that apparently they had found a fair bit of DNA evidence in that alley that would help get a conviction.

She called Dean. That way if Cas wasn’t up to talking he wouldn’t have to. She had spent her stint of insomnia compiling a list of names and organisations that would help Cas recover from this and help Dean to cope with a traumatised fiancée.

“Jody?” Dean answered in a confused tone.

“Hi Dean, I’m sorry if this a bad time I was just calling to ask how Cas is coping.”

“How Cas is coping?” Dean repeated in disbelief.

“Well yes, I know it’s not been long, but I have some numbers I can give him, hotlines and the like and I know a really good counsellor who has a lot of experience…”

“Jody what the hell are you talking about?” Dean cut her off in annoyance. He sounded… hung over, why the hell was he hungover? He wouldn’t drink when Cas needed him and that meant…

The line was silent for a moment. “You… you don’t know do you?”

“Know what?”

“You’re upset… your voice, why are you upset?” Jody asked.

“Cas and I broke up Jody, he cheated on me.”

“Oh no, please tell me this wasn’t last night.”

“Yes, why?”

“You didn’t throw him out…”

“No. I’m at Sam’s, he’s at the house.”

‘Thank God’ Jody sighed to herself. That was a small mercy at least. “Dean, Cas didn’t cheat on you he was raped.” Jody blurted out.

Dean fell to his knees and covered his face. His heart fluttered painfully as he realised what Cas had meant when he’d begged for forgiveness, what that broken and desperate look in his eyes had meant. Of course, Cas hadn’t cheated on him! How on earth could he have ever thought that?

His love had been raped. He’d been broken and desperate and he had come home for help, to the one person who should have understood and cared for him and Dean had told him… he’d told him he was disgusting.

“W-what?” Dean’s voice came out a broken whisper.

“I found him outside O’Malley’s.” Jody said sadly. “I think someone had spiked his drink. He didn’t say much, but it was obvious from the marks on him that he’d... what had happened. He asked me to take him home to you, he was terrified.”

Dean pulled the phone away from his ear and sobbed out loud.

“Dean, Dean talk to me.”

Dean pulled his shaking hand back up to his ear.

“I’m sorry Jody, I need to go and see him.”

“No of course, I understand, do you want me to go round to his?”

“Yes, please, tell him I’m coming, tell I’m sorry I….” Dean choked.

“It’s ok Dean, I’ll go around there, is Sam with you, can he drive you?”

“Sammy!” Dean called, but there was no answer. “He must be outside.”

“Ok, stay on the line Dean, I’m in the car on the way to Cas’ right now. Go find Sam then put me on so I can explain to him.”

“OK.”

……………….

“Nothing?” Sam asked, but Gabriel’s tense and worried face told him exactly what he needed to know.

“No one’s heard from him. He texts me every few hours like clockwork, I’m worried.”

“Gabriel, it’ll be ok, he’s probably just gone on a bender he’ll be holed up in a bar somewhere…”

“Sam this is Cas we are talking about, he doesn’t go on benders…”

“Well he did after his fight with Dean.”

“Sam, I know my brother better than you, when something is wrong he doesn’t ask people for help, he just hides away.”

“I know you’re worried he’s going to do something stupid, but he’s been doing better, he’s not a mess like he was in college, he’s strong Gabe.” Sam realised, eyes widening.

“Yeah, he’s been doing better because of Dean and It wouldn’t be the first time he’s tried to...” Gabriel grunted bitterly, stopping himself

“What?” Sam said in shock.

“It doesn’t matter…”

The door swung open suddenly and a shaky, red eyed Dean barged out, holding his phone.

“We need to find Cas. Now!”

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Sam barked anxiousy.

“Gabriel what are you doing here?” Dean demanded, hiding his worry with anger.

“Looking for my brother.” Gabriel said spitefully.

“Dean, we’ve already rung round everyone he knows… no one’s seen him and, he’s not at the house, Gabriel’s just been there...” Sam explained.

“Goddamn it!” Dean yelled and kicked flowerpot across the yard and it smashed noisily.

“Dean!” Sam yelled, trying to get his brother to snap out of it.

“Get in the car!” Dean demanded, marching towards his beloved impala.

“Dean!” Sam demanded, and Dean thrust a phone into his hands.

Sam pressed it to his ear curiously. “Jody?” Gabriel heard him ask as Dean climbed into the car.

Dean sat in the car, engine running, his hands clenching on the steering wheel. He watched the emotions run across first his brother’s face and then Gabriel’s as they filled in by Jody.

This was all his fault. He just prayed that Cas was ok.

…………………………

Cas was not ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, I know, I am very sorry for the ending.


	6. Chapter 6

Cas had walked as far as his legs would carry him and then a little further still. Dean hated him. His brother and his friends would too. By now they would all know of his disgusting and vile behaviour. They would all hate him and even if they didn’t, he had no right to their forgiveness, no right to be in their lives. Most like likely, they wouldn’t want him there anyway.

He thought it would be too far, but somehow he’d made it. It was as though his legs had known they were making their final trip. He didn’t believe in suicide… it was after all a cardinal sin, but was it suicide if he just stopped trying? He just didn’t have the strength anymore. He would leave it to God whether or not he died, he would do nothing to encourage it either way. He remembered that the night had been forecast cold weather and more rainfall. But this place, his favourite place, with the trees and meadows, wild flowers and honey bees all dancing around the edge of the small pond, it looked equally as beautiful in the rain as it did the sun.

It was a good place to rest. The best, he smiled as he settled down and waited for fate to decide whether he should live or die. Either way he knew his life was over and he was going to hell. He had allowed himself to be defiled after all, like the abomination he was. If he was already going to hell maybe suicide wasn’t such a bad idea, he mused. I mean, once you’re damned to hell you can’t damn yourself more, right? Besides, he’d nearly ended up trying it once before so surely, he’d been damned all along. At the time he’d promised himself he’s never do that to Gabriel again, but now Gabriel probably hated him too, wanted rid of him even.

He wished Dean had never saved him, then he would never have to have hurt Dean like that. Castiel always ended up hurting the ones he loved. It was his curse. It was why he had to stop now.

He closed his eyes and shivered as the sun began to set and the chill of the night drew in like a blanket and it somehow offered him comfort. He was tired, cold and his back burned like it had been set alight. He doubted anything could give him the strength to stand right now, his legs were numb and unyielding. Despite all this he felt at peace, he rested his weight heavily into the tree and sighed, wondering whether or not he would get to see the sunrise.

…………………………..

Jody had searched the house top to bottom, but as expected Cas wasn’t there. She’d asked all the neighbours to call her if they saw him come back, and since then they had been driving for hours, checking bars, motels, taxicab and bus stations.

“It’s no good, he could have never walked this far out!” Dean yelled punching the steering wheel.

“How far is the furthest you’ve walked with him?”

“We did 3 miles one day, he wanted to get to his favourite spot in the woods, but we barely made it. I had to carry him back to the road and then call us a cab to get back.”

“Right ok, let’s get a plan in place, extend the radius to 5 miles to be safe, make a list of people he knows, places he might go… what would you do if you were in his shoes.

“Find a hole to crawl into and die.” Gabriel shrugged.

“That’s really not helpful Gabriel.” Jody growled.

“That’s what Cas would do.” He sighed.

“Homeless shelters?” Sam offered, more optimistically.

“Can we call Bobby, ping his cell?”

“It’s worth a shot, but I imagine the… the people at the bar took all his valuables. But I never checked, so he may still have it.”

Deans hand tightened around the steering wheel until his fist was shaking and white.

“Dean it’s not your fault.” Sam soothed

“Of course, it’s my fault!”

“Dean, he practically told you he’d cheated on you, what were you supposed to do, read his mind?”

“Oh, so this is my brother’s fault now!” Gabriel piped up.

“Boys please.” Jody begged, but they all ignored her.

“Of course, I’m not saying its Cas’ fault Gabe, he was scared and upset, but you heard what he told Dean, anyone would have made the same assumption.”

“He could be lying.” Gabriel said, narrowing his eyes at Dean.

“I’m not lying!” Dean protested angrily.

“Guy’s please this isn’t helping us find Cas. If it’s anyone’s fault its mine! I should have taken him straight to the hospital, then none of this would ever have happened.”

“Jody it’s not your fault.” Sam sighed. “We all know what Cas is like…”

“Exactly.” Dean snapped. “I know what my fiancé is like, I knew his state of mind I should have seen this coming and I never should have left him alone.”

“Dean we’ll find him” Sam put a hand on his brother’s shoulder and glanced back at Gabriel who was glaring at the older Winchester like he could physically smite him out of existence. “We will find him.”

“I’m going to ring Bobby, see about that phone trace and then I’ll ring the station, see if my APB brought up anything.”

“Thank you, Jody.”

Jody stepped out of the car and sighed. “Hi Bobby.”

“Sheriff Mills, what can I do for you?”

“It’s Dean and Castiel.”

“What have those boys got themselves into now.” Bobby groaned.

“Bobby, Cas is missing.”

“What? How?”

“I found Cas outside O’Malley’s on shift the other night.”

“O’Malley’s? What was the Idjit thinking?”

“Let me finish Bobby, it’s hard enough…” Jody choked back a sob remembering the state she had found Cas in and the heart-breaking look in his eyes. “Dean and Cas had, had a fight. Cas walked out and I don’t know how he ended up there, but… someone in O’Malley’s spiked his drink and…” Jody took a shaky breath. “They raped him Bobby.”

“God.” Bobby breathed barely audibly. “So, what happened, why is he missing?”

“He begged me not to take him to the hospital, so I let him sleep it off at mine and then took him home in the morning, I thought Dean would look after him, convince him to go to the hospital, but well, I doubt Cas expressed himself very well and Dean assumed Cas had cheated and think you can guess the rest.”

“The pair of absolute Idjits!” Bobby growled. “You want me to ping his cell.”

“Yes, and Bobby… Could you ring up the local morgues.” She said solemnly.

“You don’t think…”

“It was something Gabriel said… I think he’s tried to kill himself before Bobby.”

“Does Dean know?”

“No.”

“Good. Keep it that way. Look after them Jody and look after you. This isn’t your fault.”

“I handled I badly Bobby, I should have called an ambulance straight away.”

“You did what you thought was right against a stubborn frightened man, who is our family. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Ok. Call me if you find anything.”

………………………..

The phone ping was a bust. It lead them to a dumpster in the town centre, which Dean routed through, praying that all he would find was the phone and not the body of his fiancée along with it. He didn’t find a body, but he did find Cas’ wallet and his phone. So, his rapists had taken them and now they were at another dead end and it was getting dark and raining heavily.

Jody was getting increasingly worried, but she had to keep her head, there were enough people breaking down around her without her joining them.

Dean opened the wallet cradling it close to him to find it void of any cash and card, but in the front pocket there was an old crumpled photo of Dean that he didn’t even know Cas had and another pristine passport size photo of Dean hugging Cas at the finish of the Chicago marathon where he’d run 2:08 and come 5th. Cas had broken down in tears on the finish line, he couldn’t believe the time and Dean had sobbed along with him, but that had definitely been due to his hay fever. At that moment, Cas’ dream of getting Olympic selection had been very, very real, but that had also been his last race before he accident.

“Dean?” Sam asked and Dean realised he had been stood there for minutes staring at the photo.

“He’s not here. We need to keep moving.” Dean swallowed, wiping underneath his eyes.

Sam nodded, giving Dean a worried and pitiful look. The tear that slide down the freckled man’s cheek had not gone unnoticed.

…………………….

“Gabriel?” Dean asked as Sam and Jody went to ask at another homeless shelter.

“What?” Gabriel said with a clenched Jaw.

“You know you said if you were him…” Dean started, pulling his coat tighter around him in the cold air.

“I’d crawl in a hole and die.” Gabriel finished bluntly.

“Yeah, do you really think…”

“I’m not going to think Castiel is dead Dean, I can’t.”

“That’s not what I meant, I can’t either…But do you really think that’s what he might try and do?”

Gabriel paused a second, trying to hold back a tear. “Yeah Dean, I do.”

“Everyone get, in the car!” Dean ordered.

“Dean what is it?” Gabriel asked, trying not to hope.

“Dean?” Sam and Jody came running over, faces filled with questions.

“If Gabriel’s right, I think I know where he might have gone.”

“Where?” Gabriel asked.

…………………………………….


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh screw it, this chapter was ready too so here you are to kill the suspense

The cold wasn’t a comfort anymore. The sun had set long ago and the dark and the cold of the night had sucked him away from his pain and his torment. It had been nice at first. He certainly hadn’t expected to wake up, but something gentle, something warm and soft, yet a little rough at the same time brushed repeatedly across his cheek pulled him out of the dark.

As he struggled to open his eyes the freezing air of the night seeped into his wet clothes and he gasped in shock. He was cold. So very cold and tired. It was like the ice had got inside him and frozen him to his core. The warm hands that were framing his face burnt his numb and sensitive skin. Everything hurt down to his bones, but the outline above him made it all worthwhile.

“Oh, Thank God.” A voice breathed in relief.

Cas looked up into worried green eyes as he was pulled in close, a kiss pressed into his hair and a blanket was wrapped tightly around him. Those beautiful eyes, shining and green and as deep as the forest he was laid in… He’d never thought he’d see them again.

“Dean?” Cas breathed. His voice was soft and weak and hoarse, laced with confusion. If Dean was here, then surely that meant he had died… and gone to heaven? That didn’t quite fit though. It was more likely this was hell and the start of an ever-lasting torment the devil had devised for him. Here was Dean, showing him love giving him hope, so it was only a matter of time before he heard the words of truth spill from Deans mouth. Words telling him the full extent of his sin and indiscretions, that would burn him, hurt more than anything else could if they were said by the man he loved. This was to be his eternity he could feel it.

“I’m here baby, I’m here, I’m so sorry.” Dean soothed, rubbing tender circles into Cas’ back.

Regardless of his suspicion Cas leant into the warmth, nestling his head into Dean’s chest. He was so cold, so tired, so alone that he couldn’t resist. It felt good even though he knew it wasn’t real and he realised they weren’t alone. He could see the worried faces of Gabriel, his beloved brother, of Sam and Jody. They looked real, this all felt real, but if it was he still didn’t understand what was happening or why they were here.

“You idiot Cas. You absolute damn idiot.” Here it was Cas thought, but then he realised Dean was crying. Why was Dean crying?

So, he asked him as much. “Why are you crying?”

“Why am I crying?” Dean asked in disbelief. “Because I thought I’d lost you, you idiot.” Dean stroked the back of Cas’ head and squeezed him tighter as if he would never let go again. “How could you let me think that, huh? Let me think you’d cheated, let me call you those awful things when you’d just been…” Dean’s voice broke as he failed to finish the sentence.

“I deserved it Dean. I was unfaithful.”

“Honey you were raped.” Jody’s voice broke through his addled mind.

Cas shook his head.

“Castiel. I need you to tell me the truth now.” Dean said seriously. “Did someone at O’Malley’s have sex with you against your will, without your consent?”

“No, I promise I didn’t want it, Dean, I didn’t want them to, I didn’t want it…” Cas sobbed and gripped fiercely into Dean’s coat.

“Shhh. It’s ok sweetheart, I know, I know you didn’t.” Dean soothed, pulling the blanket tighter around the desperate man and rocking him gently.

“Was there any need for that!” Gabriel growled. “You knew that already, Jody told you…”

“I know Gabriel. I know Cas wouldn’t lie! I love him and I’m not trying to upset him, but he needed to say it. He needed to admit it to himself and to me, ok?” Dean grunted back. “It’s the only way things are going to get better.”

Cas saw Gabriel nod in the corner of his eye as he buried himself into Dean and clung on for dear life. “Whether I consented or not, it changes nothing, I was unfaithful Dean…” Cas sobbed.

“It’s not the same Cas.” Jody tried to reason with him, but Cas just shook his head frantically.

“It is.” Cas sobbed. “And even if it isn’t I am filthy and ruined and wrong and you could never want me now.” He ranted hysterically.

“No Cas.” Dean said sternly, and Cas flinched. There was a beat of silence were everyone stared and said nothing, before Dean spoke again. “There is nothing wrong with you. This isn’t your fault and I could never not love you Castiel. I will always want you.” He said firmly, leaving no room for argument. Dean continued to rub circles into Cas’ chest and he only just noticed that it was making him feel warmer, that his body started to shake uncontrollably as his teeth chattered violently.

“He’s shivering again, that’s good right?” Dean asked frantically looking at Jody.

“Yes Dean, that’s good, it means he’s warming up, keep doing what you’re doing.” Jody encouraged.

“I’m going to go stand by the road, the ambulance will be here any second.” Sam said, the sound of branches breaking announcing his departure.

“I need you to say it Cas.” Dean demanded as he breathed warm air over Cas’ blue hands and gently rubbed them, before returning to rub his chest.

“Whaattt Deaaan.” Cas shivered, pressing his nose inside Dean’s coat.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Dean said. “You need to say it Cas.”

“Dean…”

“Cas, please say it for me.” Dean begged and Cas whimpered sadly.

“It wasn’t my fault.” He mumbled. But he couldn’t believe those words.

“That’s right Cas, it wasn’t. Say it again for me.”

“It wasn’t my fault.” The words came easier this time and he was rewarded by a warm kiss pressed to his forehead.

“Again.” The voice asked gently.

“It wasn’t my fault.” Cas said easily. And it wasn’t. It wasn’t his fault. He’d never wanted this to happen, he’d have stopped it if he could have. He’d been drugged, he’d been raped. This wasn’t his fault. “It wasn’t my fault.” He breathed, this time believing the words. “It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault.” Then his voice broke in a sob. “It wasn’t my fault Dean, it wasn’t… I didn’t… Why Dean? Why did this happen? I didn’t do anything wrong but still I…”

“Shhh sweetheart. I know its not fair, its not fair at all and we’ll make them pay, we will. But first we need to get you better, get you safe and warm…”

“Can we go home now Dean? I want to go home, please.”

“We’ll go home Cas, soon but we’re going to the hospital first.” Cas tensed in Dean’s arms. “Don’t worry I’m coming with you, I’m not leaving you, not for a second.”

“You’re not leaving me.” Cas mumbled incoherently.

“No Cas, I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got you. I’ll keep you safe.”

“Safe.” Cas mumbled. “Warm.” His shivers weren’t subsiding and now he seemed to be fading a little. Jody’s expression of worry urged Dean to keep him talking.

“Cas, talk to me.” Dean asked urgently.

“I’m cold Dean.” Cas sighed.

“I know, we’ll get you warm soon I promise.”

“And tired Dean, so very tired.” Cas started to trail off and Dean gave him a rough shake.

“Hey! No falling asleep on me ok? I need you to stay awake, can you do that please? For me?” Dean soothed.

“I’ll try my best Dean.” Cas said, still a little spacey, but his eyes stayed open.

“That’s my boy. Now let’s see those gorgeous eyes of yours, don’t let them close.” Dean said lifting Cas’ chin so they were staring at each other’s faces.

“Your eyes are very pretty Dean. I don’t tell you that nearly enough.” Cas muttered.

“You tell me every day Cas.” Dean chuckled.

“That’s not enough.” Cas smiled seriously as Dean heard the sound of sirens from the main road and sighed in relief. “They’re so beautiful Dean, so green and they shine. Its like the light that shimmers through the leaves in a forest, or like sunlight dances on the water… that’s why this is my favourite place Dean, it reminds me of you.” Cas sighed, and tears streaked down Dean’s face.

“I always thought you were the one with pretty eyes Cas.” Dean sighed. “They’re like staring at the ocean. I’m no poet like you Cas, but the moment I saw your eyes it was like they were seared into mind. Everywhere I looked was blue, it took me a while to realise how I felt about you, but those eyes of yours, they would never let me escape.”

“I love you Dean.” Cas said as the medics quickly approached, following closely behind a worried Sam.

“I love you too angel.” Dean smiled, moving aside to let the paramedics have access, while he slid Cas’ hand into his so they wouldn’t lose contact.

“I love you more.” Cas said with a mischievous smile.

Dean grinned, his chest swelling with so many emotions. “Not possible.” He choked out.

As the paramedics moved to lift Cas onto a stretcher Dean momentarily had to let go of his fiancées hand.

“Dean don’t leave!” The desperation in Cas’ voice nearly broke Dean’s heart and Dean was back to his side in a second, grasping his hand swiftly as they wheeled him back towards the road and the ambulance.

“I’m not going anywhere angel.” He promised. And he meant it. He was never going anywhere again.

……………………………….


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are getting close to the end of this one now, but I have extended the chapter count a little as I need to bring this to a more satisfying ending.  
> It's quite a short update, but it was important to me that this chapter was at least 90% happy.

This time when Cas woke up he was warm. He knew he was safe. The feeling of something heavy wrapped around him should have been a cause for panic, but it wasn’t. He didn’t know why, until he did, and the familiar smell of home met his tired addled brain. That smell was Dean.

With a deep breath he fought to open his heavy eyelids and was met by bright clinical lights and surprised voices. But by the time the room came into focus, there was only one face present.

“Hey Cas.” Cas couldn’t help but smile when the weight on top of him shifted to reveal green eyes.

“Dean.” Cas sighed contentedly, but then tears started welling in his eyes as it all came flooding back. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He sniffed, turning his head away and trying to bury his face in the pillow. But a gentle hand on his chin turned his head back to face his fiancé… if they still were together. Cas wasn’t so sure anymore.

“What happened was not your fault, but don’t you ever do that to us again. No matter what happens Cas, no matter what you think we think of you what you did is not ok. If anything happened to you it would kill me, it would kill all of us, do you understand?”

Cas nodded solemnly. “I’m sorry.”

“I know, so am I.” Dean sighed, brushing strands of Cas’ hair out of his face tenderly. “I’m so sorry I made you feel like that, I’m so sorry that you were scared to tell me what happened, but Cas if you had just told me, I wouldn’t have been angry, not at you anyway only at them. I’d have been there for you Cas.” Tears were now tracking down Dean’s cheeks and Cas lifted a finger to wipe them away. He hated hurting Dean. “I want to be there for you. I love you.”

“I’m so sorry, I just… I wasn’t thinking straight. All I couldn’t think about was… I felt… I feel…” Cas sighed, and Dean just pulled him closer offering a squeeze of comfort and encouragement.

“Its ok Cas.”

“No, no its not… they, they ruined everything Dean, they ruined me… I, I’m disgusting.” Cas voice broke, but he wasn’t finished. “I waited and waited for you and I know you hated waiting and now they took that away and I…” He buried his face in Dean’s shoulder, unable to say anymore.

“Cas, what happened to you, does not make you disgusting.” Dean said firmly. “They are the only ones who are disgusting. You are not ruined and as for you saving yourself… Sex should be about making love Cas, what happened to you was not making love, so the way I look at it those guys haven’t taken that from you, they never could. And unless your God is a colossal asshole…”

“Dean!”

“Hear me out.” Dean chuckled at the mortification on Castiel’s face. “Unless God is a total asshole, which you don’t believe he is and neither do I, then that’s exactly the way he’ll see it too. It never bothered me if you were pure or not Cas, you know that. Hell, you know I’m the biggest man whore around, but I know it matters to you, so it won’t be easy, but I want you to try and believe that for me. Those people didn’t take anything from you, because it wasn’t love and you didn’t give it willingly. Your real first time, if you are ever ready for that, will be with me and I’ll make love to you Cas and then you’ll see what it should be like, how wonderful it can be. That will be your real first time, ok?”

“You still want me?” Cas asked, a tentative hope in his eyes.

“Of course, I do you beautiful idiot.” Dean sighed pressing a kiss into Cas’ hair and then he reached into his pocket, pulling out the ring he’d taken from Cas two days ago. “Part of me wanted you to wake up with this back on your finger, so the moment you woke up you would know I loved you and I would never let you go again.” He sighed sadly. “But another part wanted to do this properly so…” Dean slid off the bed and got down on one knee like he had only months ago. “Will you marry me?”

“Dean, I’m yours. I was always yours and will never be anything else.”

“Is that a yes?” Dean asked with a smirk.

“Of course it is.” Cas sniffed in a mixture of joy and sadness as Dean slipped the ring back on his finger. Cas stiffened slightly when Dean slid back into bed and went to wrap his arm around Cas’ back. Dean felt Cas go tense and his face darkened. He sharply let go and backed off, causing Cas to startle and look at his fiancé in confusion.

“Dean?” Cas asked, worry crossing his features.

“It doesn’t… me touching you, its ok right? After what happened, you’d tell me if you weren’t comfortable wouldn’t you?”

“The thought of other people… it makes me feel sick.” Cas admitted, and Dean loosened took another step back. “But not you!” He added quickly, reaching out and holding Dean’s wrist to stop him pulling away. “I feel safe with you. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with everything, I don’t like it when I can’t see you and when you hold me too tight I…”

“I’m sorry Cas, I just didn’t think.” Dean said, mortified at his own inconsiderateness. “I’ll make sure you can see me at all times and I’ll, I won’t hold you like that…”

“Being held helps though.” Cas protested. “It makes me feel wanted.” He said, looking a little ashamed.

Dean took a breath and let himself think rationally. “How about this… You ask for what you want, and I’ll ask permission before I touch you in any way. Neither of us assumes anything and don’t you think for a second that me being cautious around you means I don’t want to touch you, because that couldn’t be futher from the truth. I want to hold you and never let you go again Cas, I want to take you home and never let anything hurt you again.”

“I would like that.” Cas admitted. “But its not very practical.” He sighed with a smile.

“No, its not.” Dean agreed with a chuckle. “But we need to promise each other something else.”

“What?”

“We really need to work on our communication.” Dean huffed and Cas chuckled lightly. “I’ll try a lot harder to listen and not jump to conclusions and you’re going to try to express yourself better and not predetermine what I’m going to think or feel. We both need to talk about our feelings a lot more, Capisce?”

“I capisce.” Cas nodded. “Dean would you hold me please?” Cas asked, and Dean smiled, squeezing back onto the small bed.

“How do you want me?” Dean asked and Cas position Deans arm around the back of his shoulders, so he could rest his face into Dean’s chest. Cas sighed contently and let his eyes fluttered closed.

“When can we go home?” He asked, tiredly.

“Well you came in with hypothermia, but the doctors said your core body temperature is back to normal. How do you feel?”

“Like I have 5 too many blankets.” Cas chuckled.

“Yeah, sorry, I went a bit overboard while you were out.” Dean admitted.

“So, I can go home soon?”

“I’ll talk to the doctor soon, but I… if its ok, I’d like you to talk to Jody. You need to decide what you want to do about… what happened.”

Cas’ eyes widened, and he tensed in Dean’s arms.

“You still ok with me touching you?” Dean checked, loosening his grip a little.

“It’s ok, I’m just… I don’t want to think about those things again, not today, I just want to go home.”

“I know its hard Cas, I can’t imagine what this is like for you and I’m not trying to put you under any pressure, but I just want you to understand that this is time critical. And its horrible to think about, but you do need to get tested in case any of them…”

Cas shivered and screwed his eyes shut, gripping Dean tighter. “I know.” Cas whimpered.

“Hey its ok.” Dean soothed. “I’ve got you sweetheart.”

“You’ll stay?” Cas gulped.

“If you want me to be here, I’ll be here Cas. If you need me to leave, I’ll do that too and if you at any point feel you need to stop, we’ll stop. Ok? You’re in control, you just need to talk to us.”

“Thank you, Dean. I’ll… I’ll give it a try. You can show her in.”

…………………………….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is the possibility for both prequels and sequels to this fic if the interest is there...  
> I have always intended to potentially write a prequel t this back in the college days showing how Dean and Cas got together and more about Cas' background and the injury etc. Is that something you guys want to see.  
> Any sequel would go more into the recovery and working up to them getting married.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update here. Got exams coming so no guarantees when I will get the last chapter up, but it will come eventually, you have my word. I don't abandon fics.

Gabriel and Sam sat in the corridor outside Cas’ room waiting for their turn to see him. Jody and Dean were in there with him right now and as much as Gabriel was itching to be in there, he knew he wasn’t what his little brother needed right now.

Gabriel knew what they were talking about. He couldn’t hear much of the conversation, but he knew what they were asking of him and he could see the fear in his little brother’s face through the glass in the door. Dean was trying, Gabriel knew that, and he was the best person to offer Cas comfort right now, but Gabriel, despite knowing it wasn’t Dean’s fault was still angry at the guy. Ok, maybe it wasn’t Dean he was really angry with, but without the real villains to focus on he had to be angry at something or he’d explode.

He wanted to burst in there right now, take Cas and build a whole new damn universe where Cas could be safe and nothing and no one would ever hurt him again. If only he were God, Gabriel sighed to himself. That said, if he ever did get the chance to meet God, he would have a fair amount to say to that bastard.

“I don’t know if I could do it.” Sam said quietly. “He’s being so brave.”

“I know I couldn’t.” Gabriel sighed.

“Do you think he will give evidence?” Sam asked. “I mean, its no shame on Cas if he can’t… I don’t even want to think how hard its going to be for him.”

“My baby brother’s stronger than the lot of us. I know he will.” Gabriel huffed. He knew Cas would, but he wasn’t sure he wanted him to. Yes, he wanted the evil sons of bitches to rot in prison for the rest of their lives, but Cas came first and he didn’t want him to go through any more than he already had. “I’m his big brother Sam, I was supposed to protect him.”

“We’re all his family Gabriel. Its not just on you, its on all of us. And there’s nothing you could have done to stop it. He’s here with us now and he’s safe. We can’t change the past.”

“I know. It doesn’t make it better.”

“No, it doesn’t.” Sam agreed. “We all just need to keep level heads from here on in. Cas is what matters here. If Dean finds out who did this, I’m worried he’d going to do something stupid.”

“If we find out who did this Deano’s going to have to get in line.” Gabriel growled.

Any further conversation was cut off as Jody opened the door and stepped out.

“Gabriel, he wants to see you.” Jody smiled weakly.

…………………….

“Not that I’m trying to talk you out of this baby bro, but why me and not Dean?” Gabriel asked, sitting by his brother’s bed, keeping a firm grip on his hand. The forensic examiner was on their way, Cas had agreed to the exam giving evidence and then all being well they’d be able to take him home.

“I can’t do it alone.” Cas sighed. “And I don’t want Dean to… you’ve seen me at my worst, I… I’m not ready for Dean to see that.”

“I think Dean has seen you at your worst as well Cassie. He loves you and as much as I hate to say it…” Gabriel sighed. “He’s a good guy Cassie.”

“I know, but I need you Gabriel.”

“Then you got me Cas, you’ve always got me.”

……………………...

Cas had expected it to be bad… humiliating, violating… and that it certainly was, but it was worse. At least the rape he barely remembered, the drugs had clouded his mind enough that he there were only dribs and drabs clear to him. This on the other hand was very clear, he felt every clinical touch, every violation and it seemed to last forever.

He had worried at first that Gabriel being there would have made it worse, but he’d been very right when he’d said he needed his brother. Gabriel somehow always knew what Cas needed and right now it wasn’t words, it was just gentle comfort. If Gabriel hadn’t been there, he’s have told them to stop 5 minutes in. But his big brother kept him just on the right edge of sane.

The they’d asked him for permission to take photos. He’d said yes, he felt he had to… I mean what would be the point in agreeing to all this so far and then saying no? But with every click of the camera shutter he felt like he was going to be sick.

……………………………

Dean had been pacing the entire time Cas was in there. He understood Cas didn’t want him in there, Sam had calmed him down and explained the reasons why Cas might not want Dean to see him like this and it wasn’t that Dean wanted to see Cas like this, he never wanted to see his lover hurt, but he wanted to be there for him. And it kind of hurt that Cas didn’t want him there. But he couldn’t be mad, this wasn’t about him, it wasn’t a rejection, it was about Cas and what he needed.

“Why is it taking so long.” He growled, passing Sam, who was sat reading, for the umpteenth time in the two hours that had passed. “And how are you staying so goddamn calm!”

“I’m not calm Dean, I hate this too, I just don’t deal with things the same way you do.” Sam sighed. “And it can take a couple of hours Dean, they have to be thorough.”

“I’m going to murder who did this, I swear to God…” He cut off as the doors to Cas’ room opened and the medical staff poured out.

“Dean…” Gabriel’s face sent a surging feeling of worry and nausea into the pit of Dean’s stomach. “He really needs you.”

It was only a few short steps into the room, but Dean ran them. He didn’t like what he saw.

Cas was curled on his side tightly gripping the blankets, skin pale and eyes glassy. Dean frowned as crouched by the bed and Cas looked right through him as if he couldn’t see.

“Cas, you hear me?” Dean tried, but there was no response. Cas’ pupils were too blown for the harsh light of the room.

“Did they give him something?” Dean asked angrily.

“I… Yes, I think so.” Gabriel said shakily. Dean growled, but not at the older Novak, it wasn’t his fault.

“Oh yeah like that’s going to make it all better.” Dean hissed.

“He was bad Dean... he just…” But it was clear Gabriel wasn’t going to finish.

“What happened?” Dean asked, more calmly.

“I tried to keep him calm, to help him but after a while… he just shut down.”

“Did they get what they needed at least?”

“Yeah most of it.” Gabriel sighed. “I think it was the camera.”

“Oh Cas…” Dean reached out tentatively then withdrew his hand remembering… Cas might not want to be touched and he was hardly in a state to give his consent. But then the blue eyes flicked towards him, grasping him in a scared and icy stare.

“Dean?” Cas’ usually deep, strong voice sounded small and weak.

“Yeah Angel, I’m here, what do you need?”

“Hold me, please?” He asked, as if he were afraid of being rejected. Dean didn’t need any further invitation. He squeezed onto the edge of the tiny hospital bed and gently wrapped himself around Castiel. Now he could feel that his Angel was trembling. A hand fisted into his shirt, but Cas’ eyes were still glassy.

“It’s ok.” Dean soothed, rubbing gentle circles into his back. “I’ve got you.”

“Gabe?” Cas said tiredly.

“Right here baby brother.” Gabriel answered, sitting on the other side bed and putting a hand on his little brother’s shoulder. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

………………………………….

Dean point blank refused to leave once visiting hours where over. Cas was comfily curled into him, holding him in a vice like grip even though he’d finally fallen into a drug induced sleep. And Dean was sure as hell not going to disturb him. In fact, none of them ended up leaving, Jody had, had to step in to prevent things getting confrontational, but Sam Gabe and Dean had all spent the night in Cas’ room. It had been largely uneventful apart from the time when a nurse had come in and tried to top up Cas’ sedative, which nearly resulted in Gabriel biting the hand of said nurse off before Sam had held him back.

So, sedative free or not Cas was exhausted. Usually an early riser he slept well into the morning before Dean felt him start shifting.

“Morning Cas.” Dean said softly, moving back a little to give him some space. Sam sat up straight in his chair and Gabriel hurried round to the other side of the bed.

“Dean?” Cas said groggily. “Where?”

“Hospital baby bro, you remember?” Gabriel offered gently.

Cas’ face darkened at the words and he shuffled to sit up. “I want to go home.”

“Course you do.” Gabriel smiled.

“Sammy, can you get the paperwork?”

“Consider it done.” Sam smiled.

“Thank you, Sam.” Cas smiled weakly as he left the room.

“How are you feeling?” Gabriel asked, ruffling his hair fondly.

“Like shit.” Cas sighed.

“I know.” He smiled sadly. “Let’s get you back home and then maybe Deano can make you some of his infamous burgers.”

Cas suddenly looked at Dean wide eyed and hopefully which made his fiancé smile.

“You hungry Cas?” Dean asked.

“I’m not sure, but if you’re making burgers I’ll try and eat.”

“Looks like I’m making burgers then.” Dean smiled.

“And you better make up the spare room, because I’m staying few weeks.” Gabriel announced.

“Oh, you are, are you?” Dean said with raised eyebrow.

“Hell, yes I am. Not leaving you alone with the Winchesters until your 200%.”

“Gabriel I’ll be ok.” Cas said softly.

“I know you will.” He said more seriously. “But you’re going to have to put up with overprotective older brother syndrome until I work it out of my system.”

“And over protective fiancée syndrome.” Dean added.

“And I’m going to stay to make sure you don’t smother my damn future brother in law.” Sam wake back in. “Don’t worry Cas, I’ll rescue you from these two. Just a few things to sign and we’re all good to go.”

“Thanks Sam.”

“I’ll go pull Baby around.” Dean said with a smiled, planting a soft kiss to Cas’ forehead. “Will you be good without me for a few minutes?”

Cas rolled his eyes. “Of course, Dean. Go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So some wrapping up to do in the next chapter...  
> Bearing in mind I want to keep it open for a potential sequel what do you want to see in the final chapter?


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so the final chapter of this journey... But Subscribe if you want to see more because once I've finished all my other fics there may well be both prequels and sequels to this story to come.

“Thank you, Jody, that’s great news.” “Yeah, he’s having a bad day today, but I’m sure he’d love to see you.”  Dean hummed an affirmative and nodded his head. “Yeah, I’ll ask him and text you. Bye Jody.”

Sam had caught the one side of Dean’s phone conversation as he waited just out the room before he made himself known. Dean was stressed and tired. He could see the worry, the sorrow and the guilt in Dean's eyes and knew it was going to be hard to get him to part with it. It had been nearly 3 weeks since Cas had come home from hospital and although in Sam’s mind the man was doing remarkably well, but it was tearing Dean apart to see his fiancé go through it.

Cas was largely himself; he still groaned at Gabriel’s jokes, was kind and thoughtful and always considerate of them all. He was even still rather bright and cheery... around them anyway. Sam had a feeling it was only Dean that got to deal with him in his darker moments, and Sam had no doubt there were some. They all knew that he would wake up screaming every now and then, waking the rest of the house up with him much to his embarrassment and he was also very jumpy if taken by surprise. He didn’t drink anything that was given to him either, unless it was Dean giving it to him. Sometimes he waited till everyone else had started their meal before he did. It hurt a little, to see he had such a lack of trust in those close to him, but Sam knew it was more than justified. Cas had been through hell and was somehow holding it all together.

“Good news?” Sam asked Dean with a knowing smile as Dean hung up the phone.

“Yeah, really good. The best. They caught them Sam… well some of them anyway. The DNA evidence helped them track down 3 guys who they think were involved in… in what happened to Cas and they’re in custody.” Dean said excitedly.

“Did she tell you they think the barman was in on it to? She has the place under surveillance, hopefully he’ll do something to incriminate himself soon.”

“How did you know that?” Dean asked with a frown. The Sherriff had only just called him, so how could Sam already know? Cas didn’t even know yet.

“I talked to Cas, Dean, the other day. I don’t want to sound like I’m stepping on your toes, you are doing a wonderful job of supporting Cas, he wouldn’t be able to cope without you, but that doesn’t mean he’s magically alright.”

“I know that!” Dean scoffed.

“Dean, please don’t get defensive, honestly I am so proud of the way you are handling this. I know you are not a words guy and hate your chick flick moments but you are you are as amazing a fiancée as you were to me as a Dad and big brother. You are incredible Dean, I only hope one day I can be half as good as you are if Jess and I ever have kids. ”

Dean stood there, seemingly in shock for a moment. “You mean that?” He said nervously.

“Of course, I do.” Sam smiled warmly.

“Thank you, Sammy.” Dean pulled his little brother into a hug and sniffled into Sam’s shoulder.

“Something in your eye?” Sam chuckled.

“Yes.” Dean grumbled as they pulled apart. “No chick flick moments.” He said sternly.

“Sure.” Sam smiled wryly. “Anyway... I just approached Cas to ask whether he would like to see a therapist, to talk to someone about what happened who isn’t family and can help him work through it.”

Dean’s face softened in understanding. “Did he say yes?” He asked hopefully.

“No, but I think he wants to… he didn’t say it but I think he’s worried about what you’ll think, so maybe just talk to him? Give him a little push in the right direction. I thought he could maybe see Pam.”

“Yeah, sure that’s a great idea.” Dean nodded. Pam, Pamela Barnes, was an old friend of the family, that family being Ellen and Bobby’s… but they hadn’t seen her in years and Cas had never met her. She was a psychiatrist and a therapist, and a damn good one at that.

“Anyway, the reason I know about Cas’ case, is because, well, its my case now. Cas asked me to be his lawyer and I promise you both Dean, I’m going to do everything in my power to make these bastards pay.” Sam said solemnly.

“I know you will Sam, thank you.” Dean smiled broadly. Cas could have no one better fighting his case if he wasn't family, the fact that he was only meant Sam would fight more fiercely than he ever had done for any client.

“No problem Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

They both shared a silent moment before moving through the house to the kitchen.

“How is he today, I heard you tell Jody he was having a bad day?”

“Yeah, he’s in a lot of pain. His back was bad last night and its no better this morning. He says he wants to stay in bed, but I think its something more than that, its like… His back never stopped him before, you know how stubborn he is, but honestly this morning it’s like he doesn’t want to face the world.”

“That may well be the case Dean. Its probably completely overwhelming for him at times. Again, I don’t mean to criticise, but the way we are constantly fussing over him, asking if he’s ok,  it probably only keeps reminding him of the reasons he shouldn’t be. He's trying really hard to move on from this, I can tell and he’s doing really well, but if you noticed he’s much more relaxed around Gabriel and I think that’s because Gabriel doesn’t treat him any differently than he did before.”

“I can’t pretend that nothing happened Sammy, its not right, not for him or for me." Dean sighed.

“No, it’s not." Sam agreed. "That’s why he needs to see Pam. I’m sure she’ll help you both make sense of this.”

“Both? I’m not going… the sessions will be private, right?”

“Cas may want you there sometimes, and regardless Dean, this has been traumatic for you too, its hard for you too and I really think you should consider having your own session too.”

“No way.” Dean scoffed, pouring pancake batter into the pan. "I'll go with Cas, but I ain't seeing no shrink."

"It's Pam."

"Nope."

"Dean... You're not ok either, you know that and I think it will help Cas if he knows you're going through it to.

"Sam..." Dean whined.

“For Cas, Dean.” Sam said, looking at his older brother with puppy dog eyes.

Dean groaned. “Oh, that’s not playing fair!”

“No, but its true. Help yourself and you’ll be able to help your husband better.”

“Fiancée Sam, fiancée… and screw you! Fine! I’ll go see Pam.”

Sam smiled, doing an invisible fist pump in his head. Gabriel owed him 50 bucks.

……………………………………………………….

It was 10am by the time Dean had breakfast ready for Cas. As he trotted back up the stairs wearily there was no sign of Gabriel waking up. If the older Novak’s sleeping pattern was anything to go by, then he wouldn’t arise for maybe another 2 hours.

“Hey baby, feeling any better.” Dean asked as he slipped back into bed alongside Cas with the tray of food. Cas was laying on his side, facing away from Dean and towards the window, looking tense and dejected.

“Not much.” He sighed sadly. Dean smiled reflexively. He knew Cas was trying to be positive and that it was exhausting. He knew he couldn't manage it all the time and it was more than normal for him to be feeling this way, but it didn't change the fact He hated seeing Cas like this., He just wanted so badly to take away all his pain, but he knew he couldn't.

“That’s ok, I brought you some aspirin if that will help?” He asked gently.

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas said, rolling over gingerly. “That smells nice.” He tried a weak smile, but his eyes weren’t behind it. Dean still appreciated the effort. To Sam and Gabe, it looked like he was doing really well, but mornings and evenings were tough for Cas. When they were alone it was like he couldn’t hold up the mask of positivity any more and Dean could see the real effect of the trauma Cas had been through.

“But you’re not hungry, are you?”

“No, I’m sorry.” Cas sighed again. He hated disappointing Dean.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s ok. I know a certain brother of yours who will hoover it up.” Dean’s own face twisted upwards when that line gained another small, more genuine smile from Cas. “Can I hold you?”

Cas nodded and scooted carefully towards Dean, mindful of the pain in his back. That was one thing Dean was really glad of, Cas wasn’t scared of Dean, or any of the family touching him, in fact it was the opposite. He seemed to take great comfort in being held and Dean was grateful for it. That didn’t mean he took it for granted, Cas had still been through a trauma, he wanted him to feel in control, so he always asked, always.

“I was talking to Sam and Jody this morning. Sam’s going to take up your case as you asked him to and Jody caught three of them yesterday, they’re in prison Cas.”

Cas just took a deeper breath, no emotion showing on his face which confused Dean.

“How does that make you feel angel?” He asked, warily.

“It just doesn’t really. Yes I want them in prison so they can’t ever do this again, but their incarceration does not change the fact that what happened, happened and it happened to me. I still have to live with it. I don't care what happens to them.”

Dean’s shoulders sunk. Cas was right of course. Dean would happily tear these men limb from limb if Sam would tell me who they were, but he and Cas were very different people. Dean let his emotions run riot, meaning revenge was often high on his list of priorities, but Cas was logical and calculating, it was why he'd often been called the ice man back in his running days and not in an endearing way.

“There’s something else I want to talk to you about, something that I think would help us both...” Dean started.

“Yeah?” Cas hummed.

“There is an old friend of the family, Pam, Pamela Barnes, you may have heard us talk about her?”

“The one who wouldn’t stop slapping Sam’s backside?” Cas asked with a frown of thought.

Dean smiled. “Yes her. She’s a therapist Cas and I was wondering if you wanted to try going to see her. I could come if you want, or you could go on your own, but I think I’m going to go see her myself anyway, work out my anger against the demons who did this to you.”

“Really? _You_ want to go to therapy.” Cas asked in disbelief.

“Well, no... want is a strong word, but I think I need this Cas, and I think you need it to and I’m willing to do it if it means I can be better for you.”

“Dean?”

“Yeah babe?”

“Will you marry me?”

“Cas.” Dean chuckled. “Pretty sure I already asked you that question and gave you the ring... twice.”

“I know, but Dean I want to get married. And by that I mean, I want to start planning an actual wedding.”

“Are you sure Cas? I mean, with everything you’re going through are you sure it’s a good idea?” Dean hated to say it, knowing how happy it made him to see a genuine smile on Cas’ face for the first time all day and how much he wanted this himself. After everything that happened he knew he never wanted to let Cas go again.

Cas took a moment to consider, then looked up at Dean seriously.

“Yes, Dean I do.” He nodded solemnly. “Not right away. But I think we should set a date, maybe next year so we have plenty of time. But I would like to start planning, I need something… I need something to work towards, to look forward to. I want to get better, I want to be better by our wedding.”

“I love that idea Cas, I really do, but I don’t want you to put a deadline on your recovery, this isn’t something you should feel pressured to do.” Dean warned.

“I know, that’s not really what I meant it’s just… I need a light at the end of the tunnel Dean and you’re my light. It’s hard Dean, it’s hard to get out of bed remembering what happened because I know I am safe here, with you… but I might not be out there…”

“I understand Cas, I do. I just hate that you’re hurt, and I hate that it is at least partially my fault.”

“Dean, none of this is your fault. I’m worried about you too.”

“Only you could be worried about someone else during all this.” Dean smirked.

“You blame yourself I know you do." Cas continued. "And I know you’re angry and upset and tired because I keep waking you up in the night...”

“Cas…” Dean started, then paused to think through his words. He knew all too well about his own incredible ability to put his foot in his mouth. “Yes, I’m struggling too, I’ll admit that, but I don’t want you to worry about me. We’ll go to see Pam together and that will help, but if you really want to know what worries the most…”

“I do Dean. I don’t want you to keep things from me because you worry how I might react. We should be a team. ”

“I agree Cas, I'm not going to keep things from you, but just know that if you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to.”

“Ok.” Cas nodded.

“What you say about me being your light… when I rejected you, when I thought you’d had an affair and I told you to leave, what you did Cas… you wouldn’t have done that if you were 100% sane, if you were 100% ok. You could have gone to Charlie’s… anywhere but you just went to you're favourite place and lay down in the open, knowing how cold it would get at night. It was like, like you wanted to die. Did you?” Dean's voice cracked, his eyes dangerously full.

Cas was silent for a long time, solemn and eyes downcast and Dean worried at his bottom lip hoping he hadn’t crossed a line.

“I can’t remember the last time I was ok Dean." Cas admitted sadly. "Between my parents, coming out, my accident and then this… I think you’re right, I haven’t been ok since I was a child and you, you are the light in my life, enough for me to feel like all my problems were solved, but really they are were just buried. They were always there even when I thought I was fine and the moment I lost you I lost my reason to live.”

“You wanted to die?” Dean asked tearfully, not really a question more a clarification.

“Yes, I did, but I promised Gabriel I would never try to kill myself again, so I left it up to God to decide.”

“You tried to kill yourself before… you never told me.” Dean sounded heartbroken.

“I never told anyone. I’m deeply ashamed about it. I never considered how much it would hurt Gabriel, it was incredibly selfish.” Dean cringed about how clinically Cas talked about it, if anything he sounded angry at himself.

“So why this time?”

“I believed you no longer cared for me, that Gabriel would despise me for what I allowed them to do to me…”

“Cas…”

“No Dean, I know different now, ok, but I need to say this. I felt filthy and disgusting and at the time I didn’t think anyone cared about me, so there was no one to hurt by letting myself die. I was going to hell anyway.”

Dean pulled Cas close to him, tears wetting his cheeks. “I’m so sorry I made you feel like that.”

“It wasn’t you.”

“It was partly me Cas and you can admit that.” Dean sniffed as Cas stroked through his hair, tears streamed down both their faces. “I’m glad I’m your reason to live Cas, but its not ok that I’m your only reason to live. That needs to change.”

“I know. Could you contact Pam for me? It’s a bit too much right now.”

“Of course, Angel.” Dean smiled, wiping the tears from his face. “Could you try to eat something for me?”

“I’ll try.” Cas nodded, allowing Dean to gently help him sit up. “For you.”

………………………………………….

After their conversation, some pancakes and a nap, Cas was feeling better and more ready to face the day. Dean let him know that Jody was planning to visit them after her shift which made Cas cheer up no end.

“August.” Cas said randomly when they were finally both downstairs. Gabriel had gone out grocery shopping with Sam leaving Dean and Cas alone watching Dr. Sexy re-runs on TV.

“August?” Dean asked, confused.

“August.” Cas nodded firmly. “Not too hot, not too cold, not too much rain.”

“For our Wedding!” Dean realised. “If you want August, August it is.” He smiled broadly.

“I was wondering, maybe if we could invite more people tonight?”

“Yeah, like who?” Dean asked.

“Everyone. Bobby, Jess, Ellen and Jo... everyone.”

“Yeah of course we can.” Dean said, wondering if he should ask why. But Cas offered the explanation of his own accord.

“I want... if its ok with you, to tell everyone we’re getting married.”

“Well I better call Sammy.” Dean smiled, jumping up from the couch.

“Why?” Cas asked with a frown.

“We’re going to need more booze!”

…………………………………….

“Are you ok Cas?” Sam asked, sliding a hand on his brother in law’s shoulder. He’d notice Cas pull himself away from the ‘party’ if you could call it that. In reality it was a just a small gathering of their closest friends and he has been as surprised and overjoyed as the rest of them when Cas had announced he and Dean would marry next August. Gabriel was currently giving Dean the ‘you hurt my brother again and I’ll feed you your own balls fried’ speech and Dean did right to look intimidated by the 5 ft 8 ball of righteous fury. Short or not, Gabriel was scary and Sam had no doubt he would follow through on his promise. Neither did Dean judging by the sudden pale tinge to his face.

“Yes Sam I’m fine.” Cas said with a weak smile, washing up a plate absent-mindedly.

“Is it your back?” Sam probed, knowing better than to believe that answer.

“It is not good today.” Cas admitted. “But I’m more than accustomed to it misbehaving.”

Sam chuckled. He loved how Cas treated his back as if it were a naughty child instead of a part of his own body. “That’s not the only thing bothering you though, is it?”

“No.” Cas sighed. “I’m worried about what will happen if it goes to trial, I’m worried about having to testify… I don’t think I could do that Sam, I don’t think I could go through that.” Cas' composure tailed off rapidly as he spoke, so much so that Sam feared he might have a panic attack.

“It’s ok Cas.” Sam moved in quickly but carefully, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. “With the evidence we have, I’m hoping your statement will be enough, and if it isn’t there are a thousand ways for you to testify without having to be in the room or deal with cross examination. Leave it to me ok, you don’t need to worry. Go enjoy yourself.”

“Thank you, Sam thank you for everything.”

“Anytime Cas.”

Cas was surprised how relaxed he felt with so many people in the house. If they were strangers, he was certain that he would have been overwhelmed, but all the people here were no strangers, they were his family and they loved him. They loved him, Cas repeated to himself. He was loved. Dean loved him. He snuggled his head deeper into Dean’s shoulder as he pondered everything that was weighing on his mind.

“I’m going to be ok Dean.” He decided and Dean looked down at him fondly with a smile on his face. Cas loved that smile, he loved that face, he loved everything about Dean Winchester. “There is a long way to go, a very long way, but I believe it now, I’m going to be ok.”

Dean smiled whole-heartedly. “You will Cas. We will. And when things get rough, because they will, I’ll remind you of this moment.”

“Thank you, Dean.”

“Thank _you_ , Cas, for giving me a second chance.”

They sat silent for a moment just enjoying the closeness between them and watching contentedly as their friends and family conversed happily.

“We’re getting married in August.” Cas said with a happy sigh.

“Yes, we are Angel.” Dean smiled. “Yes, we are.”

…………………………...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well thanks you to everyone who has commented or given Kudos, it means the world.  
> I realise I have left this very open ending, with everything on the way to being ok, but nothing resolved and this is for a reason. I wanted to leave this fic open to a sequel, and also to a prequel explaining how Cas and Dean got together and all the history behind that.  
> IF you want to see these tell me in the comments and also subscribe, because when they are done I will post a new chapter n here to notify anyone who's interested. I will be finishing all my other fics before I even attempt this project, so expect quite a wait.
> 
> In the meantime, hope you enjoyed it and thanks for the support.


End file.
